Nothing Left of Me
by the weeping willow
Summary: *WIP* After Tara's death, Willow tries to overcome her grief by writing letters to her. Set in the summer between seasons 6 and 7. My first Buffy fic- please r/r!
1. I'm Under Your Spell

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ Letter 1- "I'm Under Your Spell"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Once again I was thinking of Willow and Tara (an obsession of mine, it seems ;)) and it seemed fishy that Willow got over Tara so quickly (if grief over her causes you to try and end the world, don't you think that you'd mourn her a bit?). So I was thinking about that, and my mind eventually led me to this. I'm going to have one letter per chapter, to make it easier on my part. I'd love feedback (even if it's negative)!

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter one:  
June 17, 2002_

  


Tara,

I miss you, baby. It hurts so much inside, every single day. At night, you aren't there in my arms, and I can't sleep. I take a breath, and I know it's one breath you haven't taken, and it kills me inside! I feel like when you died, I died too. I wish I had. But I'm here without you, and all I can do is cry, cry until I cannot anymore, and then the Earth weeps for me.

I'm in England now. Giles shipped me off here after... after you died. There's this great coven here, and they're working with me. I should be happy and stuff, but they don't think of me as just another witch. They treat me like, I'm dangerous, like I'm going to explode at any moment. It hurts. Giles is trying to help me. I'm trying too, I really am. But life without you isn't a life worth living sometimes.

It was Giles who told me I should write to you. I guess it's kinda silly. Not like you'll read these. Nowhere to send them to, anyways: you don't have an address now (do you?). Once you're dead, I guess reading is kinda hard. Y'know, unless you're a vampire or something. Which, thank the Goddess, you're not.

So, what's the Summerland like? I bet you get to be out all day in these beautiful green meadows. There's a little stream which you like to play by, isn't there? And there's fruit, 'cause even dead people need to eat. And I can see you, dancing, skyclad. You're beautiful, Tara sweetie. And you're happy. I'm weeping with joy, for you, and sorrow, because I can't be with you yet.

I have to go now. They're going to give me another magick lesson. That's all it is nowadays. "Everything's connected, blah blah blah." I loathe it (cool word I learned from Giles- means hate... of course, you probably know it already)! I'll write back soon, once I can escape from their clutches. I love you baby.

Blessed be.

Willow


	2. God!

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ Letter 2- "God!"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ I'm pleased to get this next one up so quickly! :) Even though I haven't gotten any reviews *grump* I still want to finish this. I've gotten the next 2 letters written also- it's just school keeping me from typing them up...

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter two:  
June 19, 2002_

  


Tara,

D'you remember the time we held that Ostara ritual? It was dark, midnight, but I could see you perfectly. We danced, and celebrated, and made love under the stars. And then we lay silently together holding hands, nude, watching the sun rise.

It was so natural. If only it could've lasted forever.

We were so in love, but Warren took it all away.

I wanted to fix it, baby. But- it wouldn't let me. Oh sweetie, believe me, I tried. And I went crazy when I couldn't bring you back. But I killed Warren for you. He was in so much pain, so much delicious pain. I soaked it in, embraced it; was drunk in my power, my grief, and his misery. He was sorry, so sorry for what he did once I was done. Has he told you yet? Goddess, I hope so. He needed it, Tara.

I think now you wouldn't 've wanted me to kill for you. But I'm not sorry. Warren only got what he deserved! You know that, right? He killed you. Nothing he could ever do would have made up for what he did to you.

Sometimes I'm afraid that now that I have blood on my hands, you won't love me anymore. I close my eyes and I'm swimming in it, drowning in his blood. And you just look at me, shaking your head, and instead of holding out your hand you turn away.

I can't stand this! They don't know what it's like to have lost your love, what it's like to have killed a human for her. None of them could ever possibly hope to understand. Please baby, won't you? Do you understand? You know - knew - me better than anyone. I just need for you to know why I did what I did.

I did what I had to do. And nothing's worse than having you be gone, Tara. I get so scared sometimes, that I'll never see you again. Won't you come back? Oh Goddess, I need you back. I love you Tara. My heart screams with it.

Blessed be.

Willow


	3. How Can This Be?

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 3- "How Can This Be?"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Who invented school, anyways? I don't like it.

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter three:  
June 21, 2002_

  


Tara,

It's the Summer Solstice tonight, Litha. I remember last year's ritual. We met that coven up by San Francisco, around that huge bonfire. You and I leaped over hand in hand. I felt almost as if we were at our handfasting.

I don't know if you knew, but I was planning to ask if you wanted to have one. A handfasting, I mean. And we could've had this beautiful ceremony in the park on Imbolc. I figured by then we'd have made up for good. I was getting better, Tara. But now I don't know. I still can't believe that you're gone. I can hear your voice in my head sometimes. Like when Sweet came to town, and you sang me that song. There was a lot of bad stuff going on, but your song was beautiful. Do you remember it?

I lived my life in shadow  
Never the sun on my face  
It didn't seem so sad though  
I figured that was my place  
Now I'm bathed in light  
Something just isn't right

I'm under your spell  
How else could it be  
Anyone would notice me  
It's magick, I can tell  
I am suddenly free  
Brought me out so easily

I saw a world enchanted  
Spirits and charms in the air  
I always took for granted  
I was the only one there  
But your powers shone  
Brighter than any I know

I'm under your spell  
Nothing I could do  
You just took my soul with you  
You worked your charms so well  
Finally I knew  
Everything I dreamed was true  
You made me believe...

The moon to the tide  
I can feel you inside...

I'm under your spell  
Surging like the sea  
Pulling me so helplessly  
I break with every swell  
Lost in ecstasy  
Spread beneath my Willow tree  
You make me complete

You make me complete  
You make me complete  
You make me complete...

  


I'm crying again. You have the loveliest voice. Had. I hate past tense. Damn it, I don't care! Have, have, have! You'll keep that voice no matter what, baby. It sounds just like the angel song we heard that one time. And do you see? I still remember like it was yesterday. I hope you remember, too. I hope you never forget.

But sometimes it hurts so much, knowing this won't happen again. Knowing I'll never see you again. I don't think you can know what I mean. You haven't had your lover ripped from your arms. It kills inside. You're the dead one, but it might as well be me. I'm a husk of what I was. I don't think I know how to laugh. All I can do is huddle against this tree, watching the sun set on a day that never was.

Willow


	4. Playing With My Memory

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 4- "Playing With My Memory"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Nothing much to say... Hate school, though. Expect updates every week or so.

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter four:  
June 24, 2002_

  


Tara,

I woke up screaming last night. Giles ran into my room, with a couple of the witches in the coven. I guess they thought I was being attacked or something. I wasn't, really. Not physically, I mean. It was my dream.

You and I were playing with Miss Kitty Fantastico and talking about using herbs for healing. And right in the middle of your sentence, you just stopped talking. And Miss Kitty leaped off the bed, all cat-like, and she ran out the door.

Then you smiled at me and said, "He's coming." I was confused. I tried to ask you what was going on, why Miss Kitty ran away, who was coming, but you held your finger up to your lips to shush me.

And you looked out the window and whispered softly, "Goodbye." And before I could say anything a dark patch of blood spread over your heart, across your pure white dress. You were covered in it. It flowed down your body and puddled on the floor.

Then you leaned in to kiss me. But it wasn't you anymore. It was Warren. And before I could wipe the taste of him off my lips, he took out a gun, and shot me in the heart. Everything seemed to stop, all of a sudden, and then time sped up, faster and faster. Amy ran frantically on her wheel, faster than a rat could ever move, squeaking maniacally. And this roaring noise filled my ears, like the wind, and then it was you screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming! Goddess, it was horrible!

I couldn't get back to sleep. Giles stayed with me, watching over me the whole night. I guess it's nice he cares, right? But I hurt all night long.

Even as Giles sat there with me, holding my hand, I wished that he wasn't there. That you, Tara baby, were holding me close and whispering comforts in my ear as the night grew old. It should've been you.

If you were here, I would be fine. Cured. No more big bad magick. Just you and me and the Goddess and the God. None of this would've ever happened.

And Giles wouldn't ever give me that look. The look that says he's concerned, and sad, and scared of me, and worried, and it kills me to see that. I don't want them to worry. I just want you back.

Willow


	5. You Know I've Been Through Hell

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 5- "You Know I've Been Through Hell"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Just another chapter. :)

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter five:  
June 28, 2002_

  


Tara,

I've been wondering... Have you met this woman named Jenny Calender? She was our computer teacher back in high school, all the way through junior year. She is- was - into the supernatural too. Almost a witch, but not quite. Her term was Techopagan. I've actually met a few of them myself online- they're nice people, really.

Everybody loved her. Giles and Jenny were going out, before... before she died. Angelus killed her. Remember how we talked about Angel turning evil? That was what I meant.

I'm asking because Giles talked to me today, about how he lost Jenny. When he learned what Angel had done, he went and burned down the factory he and Spike and Drusilla had been living in. Almost got killed himself. Love makes you do the wacky, remember? I think Giles was trying to get me to let go. I'm still having that dream. I haven't had a full night's sleep for days. Neither has Giles. He refuses to sleep while I lie awake. So instead he's trying to counsel me.

It was the first time I'd seen him cry. It scared me, because deep down inside he's just as fragile as the rest of us. Just as weak. He's supposed to be the father figure, you know? He's supposed to be strong and brave and smart. When things go wrong, he's supposed to make them all better.

But that's not how the world works. And Giles is the same as me and you. Only he's a guy, and we're girls. And you're dead. But my point is, the walls came crashing down and they can't be rebuilt. We can't be saved from the big bad world. And I hate it.

Willow


	6. Willow

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 6- "Willow-"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Nothing much to say.

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter six:  
June 30, 2002_

  


Tara,

Sometimes I wonder if all this is working. I still miss you. All I can do is cry. I've forgotten how to laugh, Tara. I can only think about you. This isn't helping. I know they're trying, but nothing's happening.

And the dreams won't go away. I don't understand why I'm having them. Every single night it's the same thing. I can't sleep anymore. It's killing me.

And maybe that isn't such a bad thing. It might be nice to finally go, to leave all this behind. And I could finally be with you. I need to see you again. I don't think I can even remember your body, your face. I used to know it better than my own. Now I don't know if I would even recognize you.

Giles won't let me summon you. I asked, more than once. Every time he says no way in hell, only in that nicer British way of his. I can't stand it. I can't live like this Tara. I can't be without you.

Willow


	7. Don't You See?

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 7- "Don't You See?"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Yay, a review! :) Obviously since I went 6 chapters without a single one I don't need them to keep writing, but they are appreciated! At least I know people are reading this. Thank you!

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter seven:  
July 2, 2002_

  


Tara,

The same dream again. You know what I mean. But this time I was able to get back to sleep afterwards for the first time in what seems like forever. I dreamt again then, a different dream.

Drusilla appeared to me. She called to me and I wanted to follow, I did. My whole body yearned to go forward, to be with her. But when I took a step, something caught me. Somebody was holding me back, though I didn't want them to. I couldn't see their face. I wonder who it was, or who it was meant to be. I suppose now it makes sense, but I still wonder.

I don't know what would happen if Dru was actually there. If she truly came, would I fight? Would I run? Or would I let her take me, drink me, change me? I can't tell. I don't know, and that scares me, Tara. I'm afraid of myself.

Willow


	8. There'll Be

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 8- "There'll Be"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ I'm not really sure where I'm going to end this... I think maybe I'll end up with about 20 letters in total. I've got the next two written, but then I'm a blank... I guess we'll see what happens! LOL ;)

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter eight:  
July 3, 2002_

  


Tara,

I thought I saw you last night. It was just the fog waving at my window, teasing my unwary mind. But it looked like you, so much like you. A ghost of you, in your white dress, beckoning me outside, tempting me with whispers and promises of a time long past. Goddess, I wish it had been you.

Something's wrong with me, Tara. I can't breathe anymore. They don't see it, but I'm lost. They don't notice. Will they find me in time? Will you find me? Will you love me?

Willow


	9. Nothing Left of Me

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 9- "Nothing Left of Me"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ The last chapter before I go and do my geometry homework. :)

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter nine:  
July 4, 2002_

  


Tara,

I'm slipping. Bad. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but nobody hears me. I'm at the edge of the bottomless pit and I think I've fallen in.

Willow


	10. You Made Me

_Title:_ Nothing Left of Me...  
_Author:_ the weeping willow  
_Chapter:_ 10- "You Made Me"  
_Rating:_ PG-13 for implied nudity, sex, female homosexuality (not really noteworthy since this is Willow and Tara, but I'm putting it anyways), violence, etc.  
_Spoilers:_ Up until the end of season 6 (and possibly a bit from the beginning of season 7 later...)  
_Setting:_ Summer between seasons 6 and 7.  
_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Buffy or any related items. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.  
_Description:_ Willow writes letters to her (deceased) girlfriend Tara, to try and overcome her grief; at Gile's suggestion.  
_Distribution:_ Not without asking. I'd prefer you link back to this please, or get my permission first.  
_Contact:_ queenofthebandgeeks@hotmail.com  
_Author's Notes:_ Yay, thank you so much for the reviews! :) I'm glad that people are reading (and liking!) my story. Sorry it took so long to get this out- I've been busy with school. :P

* * *

**_Nothing Left of Me..._**

_letter 10:  
July 10, 2002_

  


Tara,

I was almost gone. No, I was gone. I was past gone. I was so gone I don't think anything could've brought me back. Anything but Xander. It was almost too late for him, too. It was almost too late for everything.

And this probably makes no sense at all. I'm babbling. My hand is shaking so hard, I'm sure this is almost illegible to you. Let me start over, at the beginning. Well, not really the beginning, but- oh, you know what I mean. I hope. Goddess, I sound like I'm drunk.

I was sick, so sick of being alone, of them hating me, ignoring me. I wasn't thinking. All I could feel was the pain, the loneliness. So I tried to summon you. I think. I'm not too sure about all of this: it's all still fuzzy. I dunno if I'll ever remember for sure. I dunno if I want to, either.

Anyways, Drusilla showed up. Maybe I really meant to have her come. Maybe she came anyways. Maybe the magick messed up. But Drusilla was there. And fortunately, or unfortunately, Xander came into my room just then. He says that he knocked several times, hearing no answer, but he heard a cry of pain and came in anyways, thinking I was hurt.

I didn't know that Xander was going to show up. Giles had arranged it secretly, as a suprise for me. He thought it would do me some good.

Obviously, Xander screamed (y'know, 'cause he's Xander and all) when he saw Drusilla. Probably profanity, but there's no way to be sure. (He denies anything of the sort.) And Giles came running into the room, weapons in hand. Much to my disaste, he staked her without a second thought. They were more worried about whether or not I had been changed.

They say that I was "quite mad" (Giles-speak). I let Drusilla touch me, stroke me. I kissed her. She was in my bed. She bit me, and I didn't care. She was inside of me, and I begged her for more. Somehow I thought she could replace you. _Never_ could that ever happen! I'm ashamed, Tara. I hope you can forgive me, forgive what I've done. This is so much worse than when I killed Warren. I let Drusilla violate me, violate what was yours only.

Right now I'm not allowed to be out of the sight of Giles or Xander. I'm watched constantly. In fact, both of them are sitting in the room right now, along with two of the coven members. No privacy here, folks. Ugh. Overprotective, controlling. They ignored me before. Now they won't leave me alone. Xander doesn't want to leave yet- not for a long time. Anya'll get mad, I bet.

Goddess, I miss Sunnydale!Why can't everything be the way it was? Why did this have to go so wrong, so terribly wrong? Now look at us, at me. Where did we fall apart? And who is left to pick up the pieces?

Willow


End file.
